Life Failure Extraordinaire

Conversation with Vanessa… after a pretty horrific day. Spent the weekend in San Francisco with Giggles – most incredible, beautiful, laughter and friendship and fun-filled weekend. Then today, as I was driving back, after I dropped her off in Fresno, I wrecked my car. I’m not sure yet if it’s totaled, but it might be. I’m not sure what’s going to happen, I’m not even sure that it’s actually hit. I’ve just moved all day, one step at a time, trying to figure out how to get back to LA with my car. I’m back, I made it safely, and now it’s time for the next step: getting to work tomorrow.
Vanessa was incredible and this was the nicest thing I’ve heard in so long. I started crying. I want to be this person but more responsible and put together. How can I mesh that?

Me: i just have no idea what direction i want to go
and now this car thing
i just feel like my life is out of control
and not in a good way
in a terrifying way
i just dont have my shit together

who wrecks their car? not someone who is responsible and has their shit togehter. i fucking reached for chapstick and got distracted trying to reach for a napking ot wipe it off because it was sitting in something sticky becuase i had let a drink spill in my cup holder
wtf
i just
gah
i sort of hate myself today

Vanessa: yeah but that’s what defines you
yeah sure you mess up here and there and you don’t do your laundry for a month, blah, blah blan
but somehow you manage to make ends meet and you manage to rock at it
when I’m next to you I feel like you are still kicking ass and taking names just by watching tv on the couch
because that’s what you DO
you wrecked your car, it was an accident, unfortunately for you accidents come pretty frequently
and yeah it sucks but your bounce back rate is pretty stellar
you’ll figure it out
and if it means going to Japan so you can figure out what you want to do with your life then you’ll do it

I’m glad I have great friends, especially when I just… suck at life.

the boy who moved to oregon

i miss sleeping with that man. i miss seeing that man. Andrew was great, really fun, really adventurous – a lover of life – a great lover. I’m writing about him as though he’s dead. It’s weird, to embrace this idea of being a facilitator of someone else’s journey – of being a facilitator of my own journey. Trying not to hold on too tight to things that slow or inhibit the journey. Letting go when things need to be let go and embracing new opportunity. It’s such a different narrative than the one of life we are usually told – hold on – is the phrase we hear – hold on to loved ones – hold on to job security – hold on to your dreams – hold on to all that matters. When do we hear – let go but still embrace? Let go. But still embrace. This is my motto in 2009 – a year of change, a year of growth, a year of adulthood in that time of life when adult is still a myth and but increasingly a reality. Let go but still embrace. Maybe in years to come that will change, and I will adopt an attitude of hold on – one of increased stability and desire for permanence. Andrew was a catalyst for self-change… Andrew provided me a person I could love, in a single moment, and let go in the next. I can’t say I fell in love with him – we had three weeks – but he also helped me release more of that inner hippie that loves all and loves fiercely. Life is dangerous, love is dangerous, letting go and embracing is dangerous, and I want to love life and all the people and opportunities and heartaches and disappointments it offers me.

Andrew was a 9 in bed, for when Renee asked me, and he is indescribably wonderful and perfect as a human. I allow myself to hope our paths cross again with the knowledge that maybe they aren’t meant to, and I accept that possibility. But sometimes I can’t help but think that if we had an A Lot Like Love seven-year-adventure, I wouldn’t hate it. Andrew is that lovable, and I feel happy, giddy, that I can let myself feel that way. I don’t need to say he was a good fuck, a fun lay, I don’t need to affirm my sense of prowess and control as a feminist and a woman in my sexual endeavors – I simply can say that he is lovable and adorable, and had he not moved to Oregon, I would have loved to date him. But I let go but still embrace. I liked embracing him.

Even in my words, in my journal-type-writing, I feel myself growing. I’m not there yet – wherever there is – but it feels so good to be on this journey. I love the journey.

Don’t forget it.

I never want to forget this feeling… never want to forget him… and I need an outlet to vent it, to figure it out. I need to blog more consistently, but for now I’m okay with blogging when it’s the only way to sort through my feelings. Andrew Smith. I like this boy man. I love his free spirit, his playfulness, his love for life and what it has to offer. I love that he wants to find himself and that he’s willing to go on a journey to do it, no matter how critical other people are of it. I love that he is ridiculous – that he doesn’t abide by all the rules… he maeks weird faces and talks in weird voices and makes poop jokes that even I laugh at, after a groan and an “ew.” I love the way he kisses, like it’s all that he wants in that moment, all he can think about, all he is and wants to be. He doesn’t kiss me randomly, arbitrarily – it has a purpose… mostly that purpose leads to sex… but it’s pointed, with intent. And he means it every time. I like his beard so much. I like playing with it, having him kiss me with it. It’s pretty nice when he goes down on me too. I like running my hands through his hair. I love how excited I am to see him. I’m so myself, so completely natural and free – I’m silly and loud and smart and sarcastic and funny and awkward and everything I can possibly be and am at the same time when I’m around him. There are no pretenses. When I look great, I feel great. When I look disheveled and am having a “me” day, I feel great. I am confident around him. He thinks I’m beautiful, for sure, but he looks at my face… he knows what my body has to offer, explores it, loves it, kisses it, touches it, but sees me and likes me. And I like him. I love his body, too. I love the feel of his skin. I love that he’s tanned, all the time and that he has scabs and cuts and bruises from working outside all the time. And I love that when I’m not around him, I don’t ache or yearn but I daydream about him. I smile when I think of him, I look forward to the next time I’ll see him. I want to soak him in, all of him, so fully before he leaves. I want to embrace every single second we have together… and bathe in those moments. And the sex… it’s amazing. We have incredible sex. The kind of sex that makes my head spin and my insides pulse and tingle and curl at the thought. But it’s not great because of the number of orgasms or the longjevity. That’s it, too, but it’s great because we’re both all there all the time. We talk and laugh. We try new positions, and we acknowledge that sex is awkward. We make sex a playground… our bodies part of the fun, the noises and the liquids and the everything just another part of the game. We laugh at it all and with each other.

Right now I feel… I feel frustrated, like I can’t possibly get enough of him before he leaves. I also feel intensely greatful that we’ve had the time together we have. I feel greatful that I got to experience him and get to know him, sleep with him. I feel… happy. Just… happy. I think when I put all the thoughts and the trying to think it through together – I realize that… I’m just happy. Old roommate Mike calls me, “Smiles” because everytime Andrew is mentioned I can’t stop smiling. It’s true. I’m Smiles, I’m smiley, I’m just… so happy.

skin

i can’t stop thinking about his skin on mine. my hands on his skin. i slept with andrew… after meeting him twice. and he’s in my head, in my thoughts, consuming my daydreams, and i can still feel him on me… i can feel his lips. i want more. i feel drunk, actually intoxicated by the memory of being with him. i’m overwhelmed with how much i feel. i want to run and play in the woods with him, pitch a tent and go camping with him, hike unexplored trails, climb things, jump off things, swim in lakes, and have sex… more and more sex. i want to have sex with him all night, every night and all day afterwards. i want to lay with him and fall asleep on his chest. i want to touch him again. he came over here tonight when i wasn’t home… left a note on the doormat with torn up paper, “andrew was here.” i hate how out of control i feel – he lost his cell phone… there’s nothing i can do except hope that it’s supposed to happen again, that he’ll stop by when im here. “i fantasized about you.” four of the most sexy words i’ve ever heard. while i was on top of him… riding him… pushing down and twisting my hips, my pelvis… squeezing… enjoying. i want more. i can’t stop thinking about it. i lay down and i feel him next to me. i feel his huge hands wrapped around mine… his thumb stroking my hand… i feel his beard… and his lips. i want to demand from life, from fate, from all thats’ supposed to be that something else happen here, that i get more… more of him… more time… i want to demand it, but i can’t. it’s not possible. i’m impatient. i just… want to feel his skin on mine again.

i figured myself out

i can’t handle the idea
that one person can decide the fate of a relationship
and have it so monumentally affect the other persons life without them being able to choose
it’s my life, if it affects me – i need to be the one making the decisions
and you give up that kind of full autonmy in relaitnoships
TA-DAAAA!
i solved myself!
i’m done rambling now…
thank god
lol
shut up 
you’re not proud?
I am, you came to the crux of your issue. I’ll be proud when you do something about it
but I am a little bit proud
just a little though
that is at least half the battle right there
lol
but doesn’t it make sense?
maybe an even bigger problem si that now that i can spell it out and see it
i dont see how ANYONE has relationships
hwo can ANYONE be willing to give up that much of their autonomy so as to allow someone else to even potentially make life-changing decisions for htem?

but what does it MEEEAN?!

i’m being a total girl today. i accept this. i dont like it, but i accept it. and i’m going to have a moment here and just say – WHAT DOES IT MEAN? maybe vanessa was right when she said that this entire situation with chris is wigging me out because i’m not in control – i can’t know what’s going on… er.. okay – i’m not willing to ASK what’s going on (because i am not that person) … and i’m way too prideful. HE got MY number. HE texts ME. i mean i text him back… but WHAT? it’s obnoxious. and last night i realized i didnt care if he texted me, and i think what’s bugging me is that has nothing to do with how i may possibly feel about him… it has to do with the fact that i can’t HANDLE this whole questioning thing… nad htinking about him… and feeling girly and stupid. i HATE IT. so i’m deciding to be done. and then the stupid boy says “about to sleep” at 1:45 this morning, and now i’m like WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? it’s bad. i know it’s bad. that’s code for, “Hey i’m done with this – not into you anymore – and telling you out right that i dont want to talk.”

stupid. this is gross. i think i might just say i’m drunk…. at… 10:28 in the morning…. to justify this grossness. it’s gross.

whatever. we haven’t seen each other in two months – i know nothing about him. it doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere. lately i’m getting a “this is about sex” vibe.. .and weirdly enough – i dont think i’m okay with htat. or maybe i am. i’ve been saying forever that i just wnat to have fun, that i want a consistent sex buddy… someone i can talk to, have fun with, go to drinks and watch movies with and also ahve sex with. wow, that sounds like i want to be DATING someone. haha without the commitment. oh god, now i cant handle feeling “like a girl” AND i’m seriously relationship impaired. these things dont really surprise me, but the whoel thing is dumb.

ellie swears that “about to sleep” isn’t that big of a dela. that he was just telling me he was tired and going to bed. vanessa had the same look on her face that i ahd when i got the text. i feel like it’s so clearly a message.

you know what the real problem is? it’s not that i NEED to know what this is, but that i’m PISSED – if that really was an “i’m done” message. i’m PISSED. so HE has the right to begin nad end this when he wants without consulting me? HE feels THAT entitled that he can just be on and off when he wants? that he feels like HE can decide the terms? that’s dumb. THIS is the crux of why i hate and dont understand relationships. how do you get around that? it’s the same way in a breakup… in the pursuing part… one person typically holds the reigns… one person becomes the pursuer… one person breaks up wtih the other – and it feels like there’s so much goddamn entitlement in it – no matter who is in charge. DUMB.

i hate this shit.

the text mess

drunken ramblings. let it never be said (by me) that i don’t obsess over men.

I can’t shake the feeling that he’s interested; that he wants to get to know me too; that he wants to have drinks with me… wants to flirt with me… wants to kiss me goodnight and wants to have it be sort of like a date, if not, well, a date. But it’s like he keeps getting freaked out. And maybe I speculate so that I wont ever have to face the fact htat someone doesn’t seem interested, but it seems like I figure out when someone’s not interested; I know when to stop pursuing something, at least I think I generally do. But it tseems like he IS interested, but that he’s terrified. It’s lke he gets close… then freaks out and backs away. It doesn’t help that I havent’ been this eager to get to know someone, to spend time with them to admit having a crush on them in a long, long time. I generally don’t’ allow myself. Maybe I’ts not so much that I’ve changed in such drastic ways that it’s not even feasible as it is… I just don’t’ let myself. But chris – I could let myself… and I have… I can’t lie – I have… and not in such a way that I can’t get over it soon.. .and I already have, here and there, when he has backed off and freaked out. But he got my number, and that I can’t forget. And he showed such interest, he flirted so much, and I can tell he’s interested… but he won’t let himself. So maybe I just need to move slower… see what happens with time.. but it’s like – I don’t have much time here, and I want to get ot know you. So I’m impatient. That’s the truth. And why do I assume that things should move so fast? Why can’t I accept the idea that it’s not that he’s either so interested that it will go in like 2 days and I’ll know what’s happening or that it wont’ happen at all because he’s not interested but htat… it could be a progression.
No I don’t belive that. I think he’s either backing away or playing with the idea of jumping in. but I don’t want to really influence him one way or the other. If he’s not ready to jump in – even for something casual and fun, then he shoudn’t. but damn… I don’t know… I just – I do think about the boy – well, I just… I have a crush on the boy. It’s the truth. I do.

:)

i just realized that i got through a summer without pali and without jacob. and on both accounts – i’m okay.

also – i just had drinks with erica and tiwald and greg and vanessa…it was good.

How to Have Sex Like a Woman

There’s been a lot of attention in faux-feminist pop culture media outlets on how women can learn to have sex like a man. Sex and the City and Cosmopolitan are the first examples that come to mind – and, in fact, I think there was an entire episode of SATC devoted to how Sam knows how to have sex like a man. I feel like the phrase in itself, “Have sex like a man” isn’t necessarily intentionally unintelligent and re-enforcing gender roles and stereotypes, or maybe I’m naive. Either way – it does reinforce those roles… and it (perhaps inadvertently) continues to send women the message that for them to be aggressive, use their resources and get what (or who) they want in bed, they have to act like a man. I’m fairly positive that what is actually meant by the phrase is that men are socialized to be aggressive, set goals and get what they want, even in sex – especially in sex. So now it’s time for women to step up and start getting what we want, even (especially) in bed. We can be aggressive, set goals and get the one we want (even just to fuck) without being a man – in fact, even hotter, we can do it not like women – but because we are women.

The other night, I did just that – I got the guy in bed and fucked him, and I did all of it as a woman. It felt a bit warrior-like, actually. Like an epic conquest. And the high afterwards (and during) made my head (and vaj) throb with intellectual mumbo jumbo, strength, power, and, well, orgasms.

who really does fucking control the world?

so what – whocontrolstheworld.com is apparently not controlled by the people and ALL the issues they were protesting in 1999. apparently it’s controlled by lori wallach and the groups that we talk about on the page. that’s really fucking hypocritical and completely makes me not believe in this project anymore.

NOW i feel like i’m working in the industry. and it really fucking sucks. because i believed in this.